just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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