Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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