There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Randomize