also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
