I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
