I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
