He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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