Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
