If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
