He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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