you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
