The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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