halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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