so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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