I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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