If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
