I just pynch a tree in the face
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
