Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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