How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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