There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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