Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
