My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
