We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
