I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
