remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize