You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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