I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
