i already hear my dad disowning me
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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