The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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