So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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