Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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