I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
