Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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