I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
did i just pee glitter
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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