I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
