I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
