You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
