I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
