I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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