Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
