the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
