I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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