Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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