well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
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