How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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