if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
