I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
