dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
