can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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