What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
