Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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