Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
